智者与愚人
箴15: 1-2, 4
1 回答柔和使怒消退，言语暴戾触动怒气。
2 智慧人的舌善发知识，愚昧人的口吐出愚昧。
4 温良的舌是生命树，乖谬的嘴使人心碎。
讲话是一门艺术。没有人可以说在讲话这件事已经练到如火纯青的地步了。对于这门艺术，我们每个人都在不断操练的路上。就如雅各所说：“原来我们在许多事上都有过失。若有人在话语上没有过失，他就是完全人，也能勒住自己的全身”（雅3：2）。
在我办公室的书架上摆着一本书《智者与愚人的讲话方式》，由李金水编著（北京：北京工业大学出版社，2008年10月）。尽管它是一本世俗读物，但其中所列出的29条原则对我们如何提高讲话技巧有很多启发。在“卷首语”中，作者举了一个例子：有位国王做了一个梦，梦见自己的牙齿全掉光了。第二天，国王找来两个大臣问原因。大臣甲说：“大王，您这个梦说明您所有亲属都死光以后，您才会死”。国王听了勃然大怒，命人将大臣甲拉出去打一百大棍，然后赶出宫去。大臣乙则说：“至高无上的君王啊，您那个梦的意思是说，您将是您所有亲属中最长寿的一位！”国王听后大喜，命人重赏大臣乙。同样一件事，讲话的角度和方式不同造成的效果也不同。我在此将本书中的29条讲话原则（稍加修改）列出来加以分析，和弟兄姐妹分享。
No.1 智者背后说人好话，愚人背后说人坏话。俗语说：“静坐常思己过，闲谈莫论人非”。若背后说人坏话会暴露出自己为人挑剔，品质恶劣。若背后赞扬别人，则表现出说话者的胸怀和诚恳。当别人了解你对人真诚时，就会对有信赖感。
No. 2 智者真诚地赞美人，愚人肉麻地奉承人。赞美与奉承的区别在于是否发自内心。真诚的赞美实事求是，有理有据；虚假的奉承则凭空捏造，无理无据，投其所好，只为博取别人的欢心。
No. 3 智者一句话把人说笑，愚人一句话把人说跳。能把人说“笑”的语言通常是柔美的，能把人说“跳”的语言则是尖刻的。不要用言语伤人，不说让人难下台的话，照顾对方的自尊，不拿对方的短处取笑。
No. 4 智者开玩笑活跃气氛，愚人开玩笑伤人自尊。开玩笑要把握“度”，开玩笑要看时间、对象、讲究内容健康和场合。开玩笑不可使对方限于难堪，尤其不要把别人生理上的缺陷当开玩笑的谈资。
No. 5 智者嘴上有一把钥匙，愚人嘴上没有把门的。罗曼罗兰说：“每个人的心底，都有一座埋藏记忆的小岛，永不向人打开。”朋友把自己的隐秘告诉了你，证明对你的极度信任。你有义务和责任为朋友保密。
No. 6 智者告诉孩子“你真棒”，愚人告诉孩子“你真笨”。每位家长用欣赏的眼光看孩子，就会发现孩子不一般的优点；用赞美的口吻评价孩子，就会在孩子心中荡起一股股激流。
No. 7 智者讲话因人而异，愚人讲话不看对象。我们平常穿衣服要讲求“量体裁衣”。日常说话，也要根据个人的身份、文化程度、语言习惯和生活背景作不同的处理，把握好分寸，留有余地。
No. 8 智者注意礼貌用语，愚人缺乏礼貌语言。说话有礼貌就是对别人的尊重。简单的礼貌用语“早上好”、“您好”、“对不起”、“请原谅”、“谢谢您”、“给您添麻烦了”很重要。
No. 9 智者说话简洁明快，愚人说话拖泥带水。 “言不在多，达意则灵。用最少的字句，包含尽量多的内容，并打动听众，是讲话成功的基本要求。所以我们讲话要言简意赅，同时还要重点突出，饱满有力。” 这段描述对如何讲道或带领查经也适用。
No. 10 智者说话通俗易懂，愚人说话咬文爵字。优秀的老师把复杂的理论说简单了，愚拙的老师则能把简单的道理说复杂了。
No. 11 智者说话注意场合，愚人说话不分地点。由于受特定因素制约，有些话只能在某些场合说。同样一句话，在这里说和在那里说效果不同。因此，说什么，怎么说，一定要顾及场合、环境，才有利于沟通。
No. 12 智者说话有声有色，愚人说话装腔作势。运用形象的肢体语言可以把无形变为有形，把枯燥变为生动，能够吸引听众的注意力。但注意，动作不要太过浮夸，让人有虚张声势的感觉。
No. 13 智者为过错道歉，愚人为过错辩解。“遮掩自己罪过的必不亨通，承认、离弃罪过的必蒙怜恤”（箴28：13）。犯错误不可怕，可怕的是不承认错误。认错是勇敢的表现，会仍人对你更尊重和信任。
No. 14 智者说“我们”，愚人只说“我”。《福布斯》杂志上的一篇“美好关系的一剂良药”中提到：语言中最重要的5个字是“我以你为荣”、最重要的4个字是“您怎么看”，3个字“麻烦您”，2个字“谢谢”，1个字“你！”那么，语言中最次要的一个字是什么呢？是“我”。
No. 15 智者嘲笑自己，愚人嘲笑别人。愚人说：“你的头发全掉光了”。智者说：“头发掉光了也有好处，至少有我在的地方光线可以明亮一些。”
No. 16 智者委婉拒绝，愚人生硬说不。拒绝的语言是有讲究的。拒绝要态度诚恳，内容明确，并委婉含蓄。
No. 17 智者点到为止，愚人锋芒毕露。大师说：“不要我把什么都说出来，你自己去悟吧。”
No. 18 智者耐心倾听，愚人随便插话。当别人讲话时，你要耐心地听着，抱着一种开阔的心胸，诚恳地鼓励对方说出自己的看法，才能使对方感到受尊重。
No. 19 智者幽默风趣，愚人言辞乏味。幽默的话有惠己悦人的神奇功效。幽默地表达背后有很深的学养和素质。这一点可以在生活中慢慢琢磨操练，无需勉强，免得弄巧成拙。
No. 20 智者中肯批评，愚人严厉指责。批评不是滔滔不绝地讲，使对方产生逆反心理，从而对你的批评自动屏蔽或产生反感。批评需要掌握火候，言语精妙，一语中的，使对方幡然悔悟。如拿单先知批评大卫时就有很好的技巧（撒下12：7）。
No. 21 智者谦虚礼让，愚人不懂装懂。在兔子还未倒之前，千万别吹嘘你打死了兔子。
No. 22 智者问对问题，愚人不会提问。谈话时不要让别人牵着你鼻子走，要抓住关键字眼提问。
No. 23 智者时时沉默，愚人夸夸其谈。言多必失，时时沉默是一种明智之举。
No. 24 智者避开争论，愚人喜爱抬杠。辩论产生不出信仰。信的人无需解释，不信的人解释也没有用。
No. 25 智者巧妙周旋，愚人不知应变。耶稣教导门徒在传道时要“要灵巧像蛇，驯良像鸽子”（太10：16）。
No. 26 智者以理服人，愚人强词夺理。根据情况，可用委婉的方式、也可用直接的方式说服别人。圣灵是真理的灵，圣灵从来不是叫人混乱或无理争三分的。我们要求圣灵带领我们的讲话既合乎逻辑又带着真诚和情感。
No. 27 智者真诚坦率，愚人言过其辞。我们与人谈话一定要坦率真诚，没有虚假，因为主喜悦真诚与正直的人。
No. 28 智者刚柔相济，愚人咄咄逼人。在辩论赛上，要有良好的心理素质，要泰山崩于前而面不改色，柔中带刚，刚柔并济，才能取得好效果。
No. 29 智者循循善诱，愚人喋喋不休。说服人的过程也是帮助人心灵发生改变的过程。耐心、耐心，还是要有耐心。循循善诱地将道理讲清楚会起作用。相反，喋喋不休只会将问题变得更糟。
这本书教导人学会更巧妙的说话的目的是为了帮助你铺就走向成功的辉煌之路。基督徒的人生目的并不是为了在属世生活上多么成功，而是要成为光和盐，过荣神益人的生活。本书教导许多说话技巧，我们则强调做人比技巧更重要。上帝看中一个人的品格过于做人多么圆滑，并提醒我们好树结好果子，坏树结坏果子。我们每个人都是罪人，每个罪人都需要接受耶稣为救主，求他赦免我们口舌上的诸多过犯。我们不是靠自己的小聪明掌握多少说话的技巧，而是靠圣灵善用以上原则，活出基督的生命，并多多为主结出属灵的果子来。
The Wise and the Foolish
Proverbs 15:1-2, 4
1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
2 The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
4 A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.
Speech is an art. No one can claim to have mastered it completely. In this art, each one of us is continually practicing. Just as James said, “For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body” (James 3:2 KJV).
On the bookshelf in my office sits a book titled “The Art of Speech: Wisdom and Foolishness,” edited by Li Jinshui (Beijing: Beijing University of Technology Press, October 2008). Although it is a secular work, the 29 principles listed within it provide much inspiration on how to improve our speaking skills. In the “Preface,” the author gives an example: a king had a dream in which all his teeth fell out. The next day, the king summoned two ministers to inquire about the meaning. Minister A said, “Your Majesty, this dream signifies that you will only die after all your relatives have passed away.” Enraged, the king ordered Minister A to be beaten with a hundred lashes and expelled from the palace. Minister B, on the other hand, said, “O Supreme King, the meaning of your dream is that you will be the longest-lived among all your relatives!” Delighted, the king rewarded Minister B generously. The same event, viewed from different angles and expressed in different ways, yields different results. Here, I will present and analyze the 29 principles of speech from this book (with slight modifications), to share with my brothers and sisters.
- The wise speak good words behind others’ backs, while fools speak ill of them. As the saying goes, “Think about your own mistakes while sitting quietly, and do not criticize others casually.” Speaking ill of others behind their backs exposes one’s own fault-finding nature and poor character. Praising others behind their backs demonstrates the speaker’s generosity and sincerity. When others perceive your sincerity towards people, they will trust you.
- The wise sincerely praise others, while fools flatter them. The difference between praise and flattery lies in whether it comes from the heart. Genuine praise is truthful and well-founded, while flattery is baseless and seeks only to please others without reason or basis.
- The wise make people laugh with their words, while fools offend them. Language that makes people laugh is usually gentle, while language that offends is sharp. Avoid hurting others with words, refrain from saying things that embarrass them, and respect their dignity by not mocking their shortcomings.
- The wise use humor to lighten the mood, while fools use it to hurt others’ self-esteem. Humor should be measured, considering timing, audience, the healthy content of the speech, and context. Jokes should not embarrass others or use their physical flaws as fodder.
- The wise have a key to their mouths, while fools have no lock on theirs. As Romain Rolland said, “Each person’s heart harbors a small island of buried memories, never to be opened to others.” When a friend confides in you, it shows very trust. You have an obligation and responsibility to keep your friend’s secrets.
- The wise tell children “You’re great,” while fools tell them “You’re stupid.” Every parent, viewing their child with appreciation, will discover the child’s extraordinary qualities. Praising children with an encouraging tone will inspire them.
- The wise adapt their speech to the audience, while fools speak without considering the listener. Just as clothes should be tailored to fit, speech should be tailored to suit individual identities, cultural backgrounds, language habits, and life experiences. It’s essential to strike a balance and leave room for interpretation.
- The wise use polite language, while fools lack courteous speech. Speaking politely shows respect for others. Simple polite phrases like “good morning,” “hello,” “sorry,” “please forgive me,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry to bother you” are crucial.
- The wise speak succinctly and clearly, while fools are verbose. “Speech is not measured by its length, but by its content. Using the fewest words to convey the most content and captivate the audience is the basic requirement for successful speaking. Therefore, speech should be concise and focused, with emphasis on clarity and impact.”
- The wise speak plainly and understandably, while fools are pedantic. Excellent teachers simplify complex theories, while clumsy ones complicate simple truths.
- The wise consider the occasion when speaking, while fools speak without regard to location. Due to specific constraints, some things can only be said in certain situations. The same sentence has different effects depending on where it is spoken. Therefore, it’s essential to consider the occasion and environment when speaking.
- The wise speak vividly, while fools affectation. Using vivid body language can turn the intangible into tangible and the dull into lively, attracting the audience’s attention. However, be careful not to be too ostentatious, giving a false impression of exaggeration.
- The wise apologize for mistakes, while fools make excuses. “He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.” (Proverbs 28:13) Making mistakes is not scary; what’s scary is not admitting them. Admitting mistakes is a brave act and earns respect and trust from others.
- The wise say “we,” while fools only say “I.” An article in Forbes magazine mentions the most important five words in language are “I take pride in you,” the most important four words are “What do you think,” the three words “I trouble you,” the two words “Thank you,” and the one word “You!” So, what’s the least important word in language? It’s “I.”
- The wise mock themselves, while fools mock others. Fool says, “Your hair has all fallen out.” The wise say, “It’s good that my hair has fallen out. At least where I am, there’s a bit more light.”
- The wise politely refuse, while fools refuse bluntly. Refusing has its nuances. Refusal should be sincere in attitude, clear in content, and tactful.
- The wise hint, while fools reveal everything. Masters say, “I won’t say everything; you go figure it out yourself.”
- The wise listen patiently, while fools interrupt casually. When others speak, listen patiently, with an open mind, and encourage them to express their opinions sincerely to make them feel respected.
- The wise are humorous and witty, while fools are dull in speech. Humorous words have the magical effect of benefiting oneself and pleasing others. Humorous expressions often reflect deep learning and qualities. This can be gradually cultivated in life without force, to avoid awkwardness.
- The wise give constructive criticism, while fools harshly condemn. Criticism shouldn’t be a torrent, causing the other party to develop a defensive mentality, which automatically screens out or generates resentment towards your criticism. Criticism needs to be mastered with finesse, using exquisite language, to make the other party realize their mistakes with one word. Like Nathan the prophet’s criticism of David, it was done with great skill (2 Samuel 12:7).
- The wise are modest and courteous, while fools pretend to know it all. One should not count the chickens before they have actually hatched.
- The wise ask the right questions, while fools don’t know how to ask. During conversations, don’t let others lead you by the nose; grasp the key words and ask questions.
- The wise are silent at times, while fools boast incessantly. Too many words lead to error. So sometimes silence is wise.
- The wise avoid arguments, while fools enjoy arguing. Debates don’t lead to faith. Those who believe don’t need explanations, and those who don’t believe explanations are useless.
- The wise are skillful and adaptable, while fools are unchanging. Jesus taught his disciples to be “as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).
- The wise persuade with reason, while fools resort to sophistry. Depending on the situation, persuasion can be achieved with tactful or direct means. The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of truth, and the Holy Spirit never causes confusion or unreasonableness. We should ask the Holy Spirit to guide our speech, which should be logical, sincere, and emotional.
- The wise are sincere and straightforward, while fools exaggerate. In our conversations with others, we must be sincere and straightforward, without falsehood, because the Lord delights in those who are sincere and upright.
- The wise balance firmness with gentleness, while fools are overbearing. In a debate, maintaining good mental composure is essential. Gentleness should accompany firmness; balance is key for good results.
- The wise gently lead, while fools chatter endlessly. The process of persuading others is also a process of helping their hearts change. Patience, patience, and more patience are needed. Patiently explaining the truth will be effective. Conversely, endless chatter will only worsen the problem.
The purpose of this book is to help you pave the way to success by learning to speak more skillfully. The purpose of a Christian’s life is not to be successful in worldly matters but to be a light and salt, living a life that glorifies God and benefits others. While this book teaches many speaking techniques, we emphasize that character is more important than skills. God values a person’s character more than how tactful they are, and reminds us that a good tree bears good fruit, while a bad tree bears bad fruit. We are all sinners, and every sinner needs to accept Jesus as their Savior, asking Him to forgive our many sins of speech. We do not rely on our own cleverness to master speaking techniques but on the Holy Spirit to use the above principles, live out the life of Christ, and produce much spiritual fruit for the Lord.